Can I Have Fall Please?

It is October, and still summer is holding on, like a stubborn cat with its claws dug into someones pant leg.

I want it to FEEL like autumn.

There is just something about the air in the fall, when the temperature just starts to drop and the world smells like wood smoke from peoples chimneys. There is an electricity, a spark, that makes me feel like I can take on the world.

Its October 13, and still getting over 80 degrees. I'm still wearing shorts and a tank top. And I'm not feeling that "I can take on the world" feeling.

Truth be told I was sort of counting on that feeling to get me over this hump, or bump, or slump, or whatever you you want to call this "-ump" that I've been in.

Since the first of the year I've lost 20 pound.

And then I gained EVERY SINGLE POUND BACK.

I went right back to 230, and right now, as I write this, I'm at 228.2.

I would like to be back in the 2-teens by the end of the month, or by my sons birthday (Nov. 18th) at the latest. I want to be under 2oo by Christmas.

I was kind of depending on that electric fall air, so I could walk outside, take a deep lung-full and tell myself, "You can do this!"

Instead I'm still walking outside into heat and humidity like a brick wall and saying, "Eff this mess, I'm going back inside."

October 2011 Weigh In

My pants have been fitting tight, so I was SURE I had gained some inches, but the tape measure says I have not. I have gained some pounds though. 225 puts me, again, back where I started from at the start of the year. But since I had gotten up as high as 231 this month, so it could be worse.

Reasons to Lose Weight: Baby Belly

As I look down at my prodigious gut, I think about how badly I want a baby bump.

I've been pregnant once, and was blessed with a healthy pregnancy. No weight related complications despite the fact that I was around my heaviest weight when I got pregnant.

A slender co-worker was pregnant at the same time. She was 2 months ahead of me, and had a baby bump.

I wanted so badly for people not in my own family or circle of friends to know I was pregnant.

While she got all the "When are you due?"s and "What are you having?"s I just got funny looks from people when I told them I couldn't climb the tall ladder and get down the heavy box/tree/whatever for them because I was pregnant. I could see it written all over their faces they just thought I was being what all fat people are....lazy.

I want another baby, but I also want a baby belly the next time, because I don't (currently) plan on having more than 2 kids.

Also, I was thinking that maybe, just MAYBE, if everything about ME was different from my first pregnancy, that it might increase my chance of having a girl this time.

When I was pregnant with my son, I WANTED a little boy, but now I would like to have a girl. So if I grew a boy while overweight and unfit, maybe a lighter weight and healthier body would grow a little girl?

Pure supersition of course, but you never know.....

My Secret Fear

I have a secret fear, one that many people might find laughable.

I'm afraid that when I reach my goal weight, more people will like me. I'm afraid more people will want to be friends with me, and that guys will ask me out.

Yeah, that's a pretty funny fear, isn't it. But I feel justified in it. Unlike my fear of the dark which is no secret and has no valid excuse.

I've always known that the world at large finds obese people to be undesirable. Skinny girls don't want fat friends or they will be fat by association. Guys don't want other guys to know they date fat girls.

There are exceptions of course, but those exceptions are also a part of my fear. But I'll get to that in a moment.

The anonymity of the internet has added fuel to the fire of my fear. It lets me peek into a window of the lives of people who really dislike the overweight.

Like the mother-in-law who didn't want her obese daughter-in-law to sit on her "good" furniture in fear she'd break it.
Like the bride who didn't want her fat friend in her wedding photos.
Like the guy who dumped his girlfriend because she gained a few pounds.

See, right now I'm fat. I'm morbidly obese, and I have people in my life that love me. My husband loves me. My mother in law loves me. And as far as I know none of my friends would exclude me from their wedding photos (if they all were not already married that is)

But, if I'm thin, how will I be able to tell those who really love ME apart from those who love me....but only if I'm of an "acceptable" weight.

Now, if it is someone who never had the time of day for me while I was heavy who is suddenly my "friend" then I know already.

But what about a total stranger. Someone meets me for the first time when I'm "thin" and we become friends. How will I know they won't ditch me if I re-gain the weight.

Sure, I can show them a picture of me at my heaviest and say, "This is what I used to look like, would you still be my friend if I looked like that again?" and the could say yes, but they could be lying. People lie all the time. And the only way you would ever know for sure would be to get fat again and see if they stuck around.

A friend who will ditch you because of your weight, or you looks, or other trivial reasons, is no friend at all. Its not a person I want to associate with. But without my obese body as an instant gauge to test the strength of friendship by, how will I know?

So...there's my secret fear.

Dear Body,

I know that we have not been the best of friends for most of my life. At some point around puberty, I think it was. I started plumping up, and bleeding from my nether regions on a monthly basis, and I started eating more and moving less.

Its been a constant battle. You will hurt, trying to tell me to do something, or stop doing something, and I would ignore your hurts.

I can't put my finger on exactly when it became one single, ongoing hurt that never got better, but sometimes got worse.

I can't say I blame you. Not really. I understand where you are coming from.

The joints of my knees and my hips and my back and my feet, they are all suffering from the 100+ excess pounds I've put on you.

I'm sorry.

I'm also thankful that you put aside your frustrations with me two years ago long enough to help me grow and nurture a perfectly healthy baby boy.

I owe you one.

Actually, I owe you around 105.

And like I said a few days go, if you sign a peace treaty with me, if you quit hurting and stop being sick long enough, I will give you all the 105 that I owe you.

Or rather, I will get rid of all 105 that I owe you......

What do you say, do you think we can be friends again?

September Weigh In

I apologize for looking sort of frumpy. Those are my "I'm at home and comfortable and I don't care if I'm covered with stains" clothes. I often use them to paint in (betcha coudln't tell that!)

I've gained 2 pounds since the first of last month, but my measurements have stayed the same, except for my arms which either gained half an inch or I'm not measuring in the exact same spot.

14 Reasons To Lose 104 Pounds

224.2 my scale said to me this morning.  104 pounds to shed before I reach my goal weight.

1. To survive the zombie apocalypse. They're gonna eat the fat people first.
2. To survive Parker's Toddler Years. They wear out the fat mommy's first.
3. To help my wardrobe budget. I keep having to buy new work pants because the thighs rub together constantly and get huge holes in them.
4. To ease the pain in my feet. I'm sure carrying around 100+ extra pounds ins't good for them.
5. To have a "baby belly." I was so fat already that when I was pregnant with Parker you couldn't tell I was pregnant.
6. To play with my son without having to stop and catch my breath. He doesn't want to do much NOW, but soon he's gonna want to run and play.
7. To ride a roller coaster without being embarrassed that it might not LOCK over my tummy.
8. To face my own reflection without cringing.
9. To be able to wear and look good in the kind of clothes I really like, but never wear because they don't make them for fat people.
10. To help my career. Thin people get more respect int he business world. I have a gut feeling (ha-ha) that if I try to take out a small business loan I�ll be more likely to get it if I'm thin.
11. So I can eat out without feeling like I'm being judged by my server.
12. Better flexibility for....umm.....grownup stuff.
13. To keep living, without having to worry about a heart attack, diabetes, stroke or other bad things that can happy to skinny people but more often happy to us chunky ones.
14.  To lessen the pain in my knees, feet and hips.  People keep telling me I'd hurt less if I weighed less.

August 1, 2011

Another gain for the month of July, leaving me at 221.2 in the start of August.

I've decided to "reboot" my diet for August.  Instead of dwelling on how much I lost, and then re-gained this year, I'm thinking of this as my new DAY ONE instead of my MONTH 8.



My daily weight chart shows the heart-rate of a very unhealthy person.  One that flat lined for a while.

Lets work for august having a downward trend.

Today is the Day That Everything Changes

Two days ago we went to see the last Harry Potter movie.  As always the 3D movie gave me a horrible headache, which gave me horrible nausea, which had me kneeling over the toilet at some point between lunch and supper.

This gets kind of gross.......If you're of a queasy nature I suggest you not read any further.....

I had sicked up most of what I had eaten that day and was looking down at the mess thinking, "Jesus, don't I even CHEW!"

Despite the fact that the top of the water was coated in a sheen of oil from the fatty foods I had eaten (the movie theater popcorn probably didn't help much at all) it also looked like I had swallowed most of it whole.

I guess that is why you are encouraged against eating in front of the computer or the television.  Mindless eating.  I had bitten and gulped and payed very little thought towards mastication obviously.

I thought I was eating better, eating less, but the contents of my toilet, which had just been the content of my stomach, wasn't lying to me.

Something has to change, I thought to myself.

Later...today actually...my friend bought me a haircut, because my thick and heavy hair had broken two brushes recently and I was about to shave myself bald in frustration.

I got a cute cut, up to my chin.  I love short haircuts, they are just adorable.

I love it.

I would love it more if it didn't show off just how ROUND my face is.

So I was in front of my mirror brushing my cute new short hair, and hating myself for hating myself in a way that I coudln't even really enjoy these small things in life that should make me happy.

I mean, I love my new haircut (it was a drastic change, they cut off a LOT of hair to get it to my chin) but I hate my face.  Love/hate defines every aspect of my life.

And I started thinking again that some changes need to be made.  Some huge, major, drastic changes need to be made, because I dont want to keep hating everything about my life just because of the body I'm stuck in!

July 1, 2011

Another month in which I made the opposite of progress.

I've gotten all the way back up to 219!

This is just UN ACCEPTABLE!

Setting a super easy goal for myself this month.  I'm aiming to lose 2 pounds a week.  Thats only 8 pounds for the month.  Surely I can do that!

Weight Watchers

Okay, I'm giving Weight Watchers another go.

I'm not signing up in person or online, but going to try to do it on my own with the resources I have.

This morning I weighed in a 218.  I'm pretty much right back at where I started at the start of the year, and I'm angry with myself because of it.  I know what I'm doing to myself, and I know only I have the power to stop it, and I don't understand why I keep sabotaging myself.

I added up my points, and I can have 30 points a day.  That is A LOT!  Thats good though, I won't have to feel deprived.  I know the more I lose though the less points I'll get to have, and I need to find some low point things that I can stomach eating.

I'm still going to weigh myself every day, but my "Official" weigh in days are going to be on Mondays.

Commit to Be Fit - Yahoo Group

Tonight I went to post something to a diet group I've been in forever,
and found the group had been deleted without any warning!

Other than the fact that I've been part of the group forever, it
really wasn't too much of a loss.  I was a moderator, but it wasn't MY
group, and I coudln't/didn't try very hard to keep it going.

But it was the ONLY weight loss group I was in, and I don't much feel
like trying to join an established group and make my own spot within a
group of people that already know each other.

So, long story short, I made my own weight loss/fitness group tonight.
 And I know that in each of the groups at some point people have
discussed the weight they are trying to lose, so I thought I'd extend
an invitation to anyone to join.  You're welcome to join mine which is:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/committobefit/

Compulsive Overeating/Binge Eating Disorder

Obesity is not just a PHYSICAL problem.

It is no easier for me to "just put the fork down" than it is for someone with anorexia to "just eat something." 

There are mental problems attached to BOTH ends of the body weight spectrum.

I say this because as I've started dipping my feet into different online weight loss communities I keep hearing the same thing over and over and over.

Obesity is physical while anorexia is mental.  This comes up because a lot of anorexic people or idiots who are just pro-ana hang out in the weight loss communities.

For some reason they seem to think they have the market cornered on food-related mental problems.

Now, I will say that not every overweight person has a mental problem, just like I'm not going to say that every skinny person I see has anorexia.  There is no black and white here, there will always be shades of grey.

But, Compulsive Overeating is a RECOGNIZED eating disorder, and while I don't have the luxury of going to a doctor to be "diagnosed" with it, I've done enough research to think that I suffer from COE.

Here is a list of symptoms from an eating disorder website.  The ones I have made BOLD are the ones that apply to me.:

Compulsive Overeating/Binge Eating Disorder

1. Fear of not being able to control eating, and while eating, not being able to stop.
2. Isolation. Fear of eating around and with others.
3. Chronic dieting on a variety of popular diet plans.
4. Holding the belief that life will be better if they can lose weight.
5. Hiding food in strange places (closets, cabinets, suitcases, under the bed) to eat at a later time.
6. Vague or secretive eating patterns.
7. Self-defeating statements after food consumption.
8. Blames failure in social and professional community on weight.
9. Holding the belief that food is their only friend.
10. Frequently out of breath after relatively light activities.
11. Excessive sweating and shortness of breath.
12. High blood pressure and/or cholesterol.
13. Leg and joint pain.
14. Weight gain.
15. Decreased mobility due to weight gain.
16. Loss of sexual desire or promiscuous relations.
17. Mood swings. Depression. Fatigue.
18. Insomnia. Poor Sleeping Habits.

The Same Eating Disorders Website says:

Compulsive Overeating
People suffering with Compulsive Overeating have what is characterized as an "addiction" to food, using food and eating as a way to hide from their emotions, to fill a void they feel inside, and to cope with daily stresses and problems in their lives.

People suffering with this Eating Disorder tend to be overweight, are usually aware that their eating habits are abnormal, but find little comfort because of society's tendency to stereotype the "overweight" individual. Words like, "just go on a diet" are as emotionally devastating to a person suffering Compulsive Overeating as "just eat" can be to a person suffering Anorexia. A person suffering as a Compulsive Overeater is at health risk for a heart attack, high blood-pressure and cholesterol, kidney disease and/or failure, arthritis and bone deterioration, and stroke.

Men and Women who are Compulsive Overeaters will sometimes hide behind their physical appearance, using it as a blockade against society (common in survivors of sexual abuse). They feel guilty for not being "good enough," shame for being overweight, and generally have a very low self-esteem... they use food and eating to cope with these feelings, which only leads into the cycle of feeling them ten-fold and trying to find a way to cope again. With a low self esteem and often constant need for love and validation he/she will turn to obsessive episodes of binging and eating as a way to forget the pain and the desire for affection.

It is important to remember that most Eating Disorders, though their signs and symptoms may be different, share a great number of common causes and emotional aspects.

Save "Heavy" on A&E!!!

Until the season ended, I was spending every Monday night watching a show called Heavy on A&E

Heavy was about morbidly obese people who went to a weight loss clinic to get help losing massive amounts of weight without surgery or drugs.  They also learned the tools and skills they would need to continue to lose weight once they left the clinic and went back home.

This show motivated and inspired me in a a way that no show ever has before.

I got on facebook today to find out from a former cast member that the show Heavy, which I LOVED, is being cancelled.  I visited the page they linked to and read the following:

Recently Lifetime television and A&E merged.... with that merger the company decided to cancel the show after one season. Heavy helps Morbidly obese individuals find healing, dignity and health through the mass media of television.

We are asking for A&E to reconsider this decision and ask for your help by liking and supporting this page! Spread the word!!!

So, I'm spreading the word as far as I can!

You can help by simply liking the facebook page Save A&Es Heavy, or by sending a nice e-mail to Ms Abbe Raven CEO of A&E Network. 'Abbe.Raven@aetn.com'

I sent an e-mail that read:

I recently learned that the show HEAVY is being canceled, and I think that is a mistake.

I am a morbidly obese person, I hit 235 pounds and I'm only 5'3. I started watching Heavy on its first episode, and never missed one until the end of t...he season. If I did miss it on TV I watched it the very next day on the website.

Heavy was a huge encouragement to me. By showing me people exactly like me, who lose their weight for real and personal reasons, and do it by learning how to eat better and exercise, I was re-motivated every Monday night to get my act together.

I joked with my family that I should audition for the show, but in reality I know I couldn't, but just "being there" via the episodes helped me loads, and I started losing weight on my own! I have dropped almost 20 pounds, and Heavy is LARGELY to thank for lighting a fire under me and keeping it lit.

I think losing Heavy would be too huge of a loss. It just leaves us with shows like The Biggest Loser which is totally different because losing weight for a "game show" is not the same thing as losing weight for yourself and just letting the world tag along.

Thank you for taking time to read my message and I do hope the cancellation of Heavy can be reconsidered.

You can help by simply liking the facebook page Save A&Es Heavy, or by sending a nice e-mail to Ms Abbe Raven CEO of A&E Network. 'Abbe.Raven@aetn.com'

May 1, 2011 Progress Report

This is where I stand today.  Down about 7 pounds from last month.  My waist has shurnk about an inch and a half since last month.

Funny thing is , looking at last months pictures I think I look slimmer in last months photos!

I also hate that progress has been going so slowly, but short of giving up food altogether I have no idea what to do next....

LAST MONTH

Funny though, to myself

Tomorrow I Will Hate Myself

When my alarm goes off at 7am (don't laugh, 7 is really early for me) and I actually get out of bed, the sleepy part of me will hate me.

When I leave the house and go for a mile walk, the part of me that wants to be lazy before she has to go to work later will hate me.

When I eat my pitiful little breakfast, and the my pitiful little lunch, then my pitiful little supper, my stomach will hate me.

I have a long, several months of hatred of myself ahead of me, but it will be a different kind of hatred, the kind of hatred I can live with instead of the self loathing that will kill me.

Never Say Never
Get Fit or Die!

Weight Loss Chart

While surfing weight loss pages on Stumbleupon, I came across this chart:



And this was written about it:

“All that you need for my diet is graph paper, a ruler, and a pencil,” Steve would explain. “The horizontal axis is time, one line per day. The vertical axis is weight in lbs. You plot your current weight on the left side of the paper. You plot your desired weight on a desired date towards the right side, making sure that you’ve left the correct number of lines in between (one per day). You draw a line from the current weight/date to the desired weight/date. Every morning you weigh yourself and plot the result. If the point is below the line, you eat whatever you want all day. If the point is above the line, you eat nothing but broccoli or some other low-calorie food.”

And while I would have no plan to ever eat nothing but broccoli for a day, I do already weigh myself every day and thought this would be an easy way to track my ups and downs.  And since I already have graph paper for charting my cross stitch patterns, and it was so simple, I charted myself a graph...



I was at 214 when I made the chart (yesterday) and it goes through to about the 4th of June.  I've set my GW to be 180 by June 4, which is 30 pounds gone (about 5 a week between now and then) which may or may not be reachable but.......at least its something to aim for.

DAY ONE

Below is a picture of me, almost a year ago.  The shirt keeps wanting to ride up over my tummy.  The shorts would not button.



And this next one is me today.  The shorts are super tight, but they button.  The shirt no longer wants to roll up like a loose window shade.



Interesting to see how a difference of 5 pounds can make a bigger physical difference than you would think.

Kiss my Fat Ass

I want it to be known that I'm not for "Fat Acceptance" I'm not happy being fat, and I don't think that fat is beautiful on most people.

However, I am for basic human decency and respect, and think that all people should be treated the same, regardless of their weight. No one should ever be shamed for being too thin or too big!

Off the Reservation

Here's the deal, the real deal, the deal that is real....

I slipped.  I didn't just slide a little bit, I did a while body belly flip on a slip-n-slide going downhill.

Last time I stepped on the scale it said 217, which was up from 214 that I had gotten down to before the end of last month, when I lost a very important person in my life.

To begin with I didn't get that bad.  I maintained.  Then I went up to 216, and no matter how little I ate or how much I exercised I stayed stuck at 216, and I was so depressed about it.  Angry and annoyed and slowly stopped moving as much and slowly started eating more.

I didn't weigh in this morning.

Not so much on purpose, but because we got up first thing and went to the lake, which I walked around.  I think its 2 miles around the lake.  Then we played in the park a little.

So, taking it in stride, tomorrow will be DAY ONE all over again.

Lets hope I've not gotten back up to the 220s.