Monday, September 26, 2011

Reasons to Lose Weight: Baby Belly

As I look down at my prodigious gut, I think about how badly I want a baby bump.

I've been pregnant once, and was blessed with a healthy pregnancy. No weight related complications despite the fact that I was around my heaviest weight when I got pregnant.

A slender co-worker was pregnant at the same time. She was 2 months ahead of me, and had a baby bump.

I wanted so badly for people not in my own family or circle of friends to know I was pregnant.

While she got all the "When are you due?"s and "What are you having?"s I just got funny looks from people when I told them I couldn't climb the tall ladder and get down the heavy box/tree/whatever for them because I was pregnant. I could see it written all over their faces they just thought I was being what all fat people are....lazy.

I want another baby, but I also want a baby belly the next time, because I don't (currently) plan on having more than 2 kids.

Also, I was thinking that maybe, just MAYBE, if everything about ME was different from my first pregnancy, that it might increase my chance of having a girl this time.

When I was pregnant with my son, I WANTED a little boy, but now I would like to have a girl. So if I grew a boy while overweight and unfit, maybe a lighter weight and healthier body would grow a little girl?

Pure supersition of course, but you never know.....

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

My Secret Fear

I have a secret fear, one that many people might find laughable.

I'm afraid that when I reach my goal weight, more people will like me. I'm afraid more people will want to be friends with me, and that guys will ask me out.

Yeah, that's a pretty funny fear, isn't it. But I feel justified in it. Unlike my fear of the dark which is no secret and has no valid excuse.

I've always known that the world at large finds obese people to be undesirable. Skinny girls don't want fat friends or they will be fat by association. Guys don't want other guys to know they date fat girls.

There are exceptions of course, but those exceptions are also a part of my fear. But I'll get to that in a moment.

The anonymity of the internet has added fuel to the fire of my fear. It lets me peek into a window of the lives of people who really dislike the overweight.

Like the mother-in-law who didn't want her obese daughter-in-law to sit on her "good" furniture in fear she'd break it.
Like the bride who didn't want her fat friend in her wedding photos.
Like the guy who dumped his girlfriend because she gained a few pounds.

See, right now I'm fat. I'm morbidly obese, and I have people in my life that love me. My husband loves me. My mother in law loves me. And as far as I know none of my friends would exclude me from their wedding photos (if they all were not already married that is)

But, if I'm thin, how will I be able to tell those who really love ME apart from those who love me....but only if I'm of an "acceptable" weight.

Now, if it is someone who never had the time of day for me while I was heavy who is suddenly my "friend" then I know already.

But what about a total stranger. Someone meets me for the first time when I'm "thin" and we become friends. How will I know they won't ditch me if I re-gain the weight.

Sure, I can show them a picture of me at my heaviest and say, "This is what I used to look like, would you still be my friend if I looked like that again?" and the could say yes, but they could be lying. People lie all the time. And the only way you would ever know for sure would be to get fat again and see if they stuck around.

A friend who will ditch you because of your weight, or you looks, or other trivial reasons, is no friend at all. Its not a person I want to associate with. But without my obese body as an instant gauge to test the strength of friendship by, how will I know?

So...there's my secret fear.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Dear Body,

I know that we have not been the best of friends for most of my life. At some point around puberty, I think it was. I started plumping up, and bleeding from my nether regions on a monthly basis, and I started eating more and moving less.

Its been a constant battle. You will hurt, trying to tell me to do something, or stop doing something, and I would ignore your hurts.

I can't put my finger on exactly when it became one single, ongoing hurt that never got better, but sometimes got worse.

I can't say I blame you. Not really. I understand where you are coming from.

The joints of my knees and my hips and my back and my feet, they are all suffering from the 100+ excess pounds I've put on you.

I'm sorry.

I'm also thankful that you put aside your frustrations with me two years ago long enough to help me grow and nurture a perfectly healthy baby boy.

I owe you one.

Actually, I owe you around 105.

And like I said a few days go, if you sign a peace treaty with me, if you quit hurting and stop being sick long enough, I will give you all the 105 that I owe you.

Or rather, I will get rid of all 105 that I owe you......

What do you say, do you think we can be friends again?

Thursday, September 1, 2011

September Weigh In

I apologize for looking sort of frumpy. Those are my "I'm at home and comfortable and I don't care if I'm covered with stains" clothes. I often use them to paint in (betcha coudln't tell that!)

I've gained 2 pounds since the first of last month, but my measurements have stayed the same, except for my arms which either gained half an inch or I'm not measuring in the exact same spot.