My Secret Fear

I have a secret fear, one that many people might find laughable.

I'm afraid that when I reach my goal weight, more people will like me. I'm afraid more people will want to be friends with me, and that guys will ask me out.

Yeah, that's a pretty funny fear, isn't it. But I feel justified in it. Unlike my fear of the dark which is no secret and has no valid excuse.

I've always known that the world at large finds obese people to be undesirable. Skinny girls don't want fat friends or they will be fat by association. Guys don't want other guys to know they date fat girls.

There are exceptions of course, but those exceptions are also a part of my fear. But I'll get to that in a moment.

The anonymity of the internet has added fuel to the fire of my fear. It lets me peek into a window of the lives of people who really dislike the overweight.

Like the mother-in-law who didn't want her obese daughter-in-law to sit on her "good" furniture in fear she'd break it.
Like the bride who didn't want her fat friend in her wedding photos.
Like the guy who dumped his girlfriend because she gained a few pounds.

See, right now I'm fat. I'm morbidly obese, and I have people in my life that love me. My husband loves me. My mother in law loves me. And as far as I know none of my friends would exclude me from their wedding photos (if they all were not already married that is)

But, if I'm thin, how will I be able to tell those who really love ME apart from those who love me....but only if I'm of an "acceptable" weight.

Now, if it is someone who never had the time of day for me while I was heavy who is suddenly my "friend" then I know already.

But what about a total stranger. Someone meets me for the first time when I'm "thin" and we become friends. How will I know they won't ditch me if I re-gain the weight.

Sure, I can show them a picture of me at my heaviest and say, "This is what I used to look like, would you still be my friend if I looked like that again?" and the could say yes, but they could be lying. People lie all the time. And the only way you would ever know for sure would be to get fat again and see if they stuck around.

A friend who will ditch you because of your weight, or you looks, or other trivial reasons, is no friend at all. Its not a person I want to associate with. But without my obese body as an instant gauge to test the strength of friendship by, how will I know?

So...there's my secret fear.