My Secret Fear

I have a secret fear, one that many people might find laughable.

I'm afraid that when I reach my goal weight, more people will like me. I'm afraid more people will want to be friends with me, and that guys will ask me out.

Yeah, that's a pretty funny fear, isn't it. But I feel justified in it. Unlike my fear of the dark which is no secret and has no valid excuse.

I've always known that the world at large finds obese people to be undesirable. Skinny girls don't want fat friends or they will be fat by association. Guys don't want other guys to know they date fat girls.

There are exceptions of course, but those exceptions are also a part of my fear. But I'll get to that in a moment.

The anonymity of the internet has added fuel to the fire of my fear. It lets me peek into a window of the lives of people who really dislike the overweight.

Like the mother-in-law who didn't want her obese daughter-in-law to sit on her "good" furniture in fear she'd break it.
Like the bride who didn't want her fat friend in her wedding photos.
Like the guy who dumped his girlfriend because she gained a few pounds.

See, right now I'm fat. I'm morbidly obese, and I have people in my life that love me. My husband loves me. My mother in law loves me. And as far as I know none of my friends would exclude me from their wedding photos (if they all were not already married that is)

But, if I'm thin, how will I be able to tell those who really love ME apart from those who love me....but only if I'm of an "acceptable" weight.

Now, if it is someone who never had the time of day for me while I was heavy who is suddenly my "friend" then I know already.

But what about a total stranger. Someone meets me for the first time when I'm "thin" and we become friends. How will I know they won't ditch me if I re-gain the weight.

Sure, I can show them a picture of me at my heaviest and say, "This is what I used to look like, would you still be my friend if I looked like that again?" and the could say yes, but they could be lying. People lie all the time. And the only way you would ever know for sure would be to get fat again and see if they stuck around.

A friend who will ditch you because of your weight, or you looks, or other trivial reasons, is no friend at all. Its not a person I want to associate with. But without my obese body as an instant gauge to test the strength of friendship by, how will I know?

So...there's my secret fear.

Dear Body,

I know that we have not been the best of friends for most of my life. At some point around puberty, I think it was. I started plumping up, and bleeding from my nether regions on a monthly basis, and I started eating more and moving less.

Its been a constant battle. You will hurt, trying to tell me to do something, or stop doing something, and I would ignore your hurts.

I can't put my finger on exactly when it became one single, ongoing hurt that never got better, but sometimes got worse.

I can't say I blame you. Not really. I understand where you are coming from.

The joints of my knees and my hips and my back and my feet, they are all suffering from the 100+ excess pounds I've put on you.

I'm sorry.

I'm also thankful that you put aside your frustrations with me two years ago long enough to help me grow and nurture a perfectly healthy baby boy.

I owe you one.

Actually, I owe you around 105.

And like I said a few days go, if you sign a peace treaty with me, if you quit hurting and stop being sick long enough, I will give you all the 105 that I owe you.

Or rather, I will get rid of all 105 that I owe you......

What do you say, do you think we can be friends again?

September Weigh In

I apologize for looking sort of frumpy. Those are my "I'm at home and comfortable and I don't care if I'm covered with stains" clothes. I often use them to paint in (betcha coudln't tell that!)

I've gained 2 pounds since the first of last month, but my measurements have stayed the same, except for my arms which either gained half an inch or I'm not measuring in the exact same spot.

14 Reasons To Lose 104 Pounds

224.2 my scale said to me this morning.  104 pounds to shed before I reach my goal weight.

1. To survive the zombie apocalypse. They're gonna eat the fat people first.
2. To survive Parker's Toddler Years. They wear out the fat mommy's first.
3. To help my wardrobe budget. I keep having to buy new work pants because the thighs rub together constantly and get huge holes in them.
4. To ease the pain in my feet. I'm sure carrying around 100+ extra pounds ins't good for them.
5. To have a "baby belly." I was so fat already that when I was pregnant with Parker you couldn't tell I was pregnant.
6. To play with my son without having to stop and catch my breath. He doesn't want to do much NOW, but soon he's gonna want to run and play.
7. To ride a roller coaster without being embarrassed that it might not LOCK over my tummy.
8. To face my own reflection without cringing.
9. To be able to wear and look good in the kind of clothes I really like, but never wear because they don't make them for fat people.
10. To help my career. Thin people get more respect int he business world. I have a gut feeling (ha-ha) that if I try to take out a small business loan I�ll be more likely to get it if I'm thin.
11. So I can eat out without feeling like I'm being judged by my server.
12. Better flexibility for....umm.....grownup stuff.
13. To keep living, without having to worry about a heart attack, diabetes, stroke or other bad things that can happy to skinny people but more often happy to us chunky ones.
14.  To lessen the pain in my knees, feet and hips.  People keep telling me I'd hurt less if I weighed less.

August 1, 2011

Another gain for the month of July, leaving me at 221.2 in the start of August.

I've decided to "reboot" my diet for August.  Instead of dwelling on how much I lost, and then re-gained this year, I'm thinking of this as my new DAY ONE instead of my MONTH 8.



My daily weight chart shows the heart-rate of a very unhealthy person.  One that flat lined for a while.

Lets work for august having a downward trend.

Today is the Day That Everything Changes

Two days ago we went to see the last Harry Potter movie.  As always the 3D movie gave me a horrible headache, which gave me horrible nausea, which had me kneeling over the toilet at some point between lunch and supper.

This gets kind of gross.......If you're of a queasy nature I suggest you not read any further.....

I had sicked up most of what I had eaten that day and was looking down at the mess thinking, "Jesus, don't I even CHEW!"

Despite the fact that the top of the water was coated in a sheen of oil from the fatty foods I had eaten (the movie theater popcorn probably didn't help much at all) it also looked like I had swallowed most of it whole.

I guess that is why you are encouraged against eating in front of the computer or the television.  Mindless eating.  I had bitten and gulped and payed very little thought towards mastication obviously.

I thought I was eating better, eating less, but the contents of my toilet, which had just been the content of my stomach, wasn't lying to me.

Something has to change, I thought to myself.

Later...today actually...my friend bought me a haircut, because my thick and heavy hair had broken two brushes recently and I was about to shave myself bald in frustration.

I got a cute cut, up to my chin.  I love short haircuts, they are just adorable.

I love it.

I would love it more if it didn't show off just how ROUND my face is.

So I was in front of my mirror brushing my cute new short hair, and hating myself for hating myself in a way that I coudln't even really enjoy these small things in life that should make me happy.

I mean, I love my new haircut (it was a drastic change, they cut off a LOT of hair to get it to my chin) but I hate my face.  Love/hate defines every aspect of my life.

And I started thinking again that some changes need to be made.  Some huge, major, drastic changes need to be made, because I dont want to keep hating everything about my life just because of the body I'm stuck in!

July 1, 2011

Another month in which I made the opposite of progress.

I've gotten all the way back up to 219!

This is just UN ACCEPTABLE!

Setting a super easy goal for myself this month.  I'm aiming to lose 2 pounds a week.  Thats only 8 pounds for the month.  Surely I can do that!