Today is the Day That Everything Changes

Two days ago we went to see the last Harry Potter movie.  As always the 3D movie gave me a horrible headache, which gave me horrible nausea, which had me kneeling over the toilet at some point between lunch and supper.

This gets kind of gross.......If you're of a queasy nature I suggest you not read any further.....

I had sicked up most of what I had eaten that day and was looking down at the mess thinking, "Jesus, don't I even CHEW!"

Despite the fact that the top of the water was coated in a sheen of oil from the fatty foods I had eaten (the movie theater popcorn probably didn't help much at all) it also looked like I had swallowed most of it whole.

I guess that is why you are encouraged against eating in front of the computer or the television.  Mindless eating.  I had bitten and gulped and payed very little thought towards mastication obviously.

I thought I was eating better, eating less, but the contents of my toilet, which had just been the content of my stomach, wasn't lying to me.

Something has to change, I thought to myself.

Later...today actually...my friend bought me a haircut, because my thick and heavy hair had broken two brushes recently and I was about to shave myself bald in frustration.

I got a cute cut, up to my chin.  I love short haircuts, they are just adorable.

I love it.

I would love it more if it didn't show off just how ROUND my face is.

So I was in front of my mirror brushing my cute new short hair, and hating myself for hating myself in a way that I coudln't even really enjoy these small things in life that should make me happy.

I mean, I love my new haircut (it was a drastic change, they cut off a LOT of hair to get it to my chin) but I hate my face.  Love/hate defines every aspect of my life.

And I started thinking again that some changes need to be made.  Some huge, major, drastic changes need to be made, because I dont want to keep hating everything about my life just because of the body I'm stuck in!

July 1, 2011

Another month in which I made the opposite of progress.

I've gotten all the way back up to 219!

This is just UN ACCEPTABLE!

Setting a super easy goal for myself this month.  I'm aiming to lose 2 pounds a week.  Thats only 8 pounds for the month.  Surely I can do that!

Weight Watchers

Okay, I'm giving Weight Watchers another go.

I'm not signing up in person or online, but going to try to do it on my own with the resources I have.

This morning I weighed in a 218.  I'm pretty much right back at where I started at the start of the year, and I'm angry with myself because of it.  I know what I'm doing to myself, and I know only I have the power to stop it, and I don't understand why I keep sabotaging myself.

I added up my points, and I can have 30 points a day.  That is A LOT!  Thats good though, I won't have to feel deprived.  I know the more I lose though the less points I'll get to have, and I need to find some low point things that I can stomach eating.

I'm still going to weigh myself every day, but my "Official" weigh in days are going to be on Mondays.

Commit to Be Fit - Yahoo Group

Tonight I went to post something to a diet group I've been in forever,
and found the group had been deleted without any warning!

Other than the fact that I've been part of the group forever, it
really wasn't too much of a loss.  I was a moderator, but it wasn't MY
group, and I coudln't/didn't try very hard to keep it going.

But it was the ONLY weight loss group I was in, and I don't much feel
like trying to join an established group and make my own spot within a
group of people that already know each other.

So, long story short, I made my own weight loss/fitness group tonight.
 And I know that in each of the groups at some point people have
discussed the weight they are trying to lose, so I thought I'd extend
an invitation to anyone to join.  You're welcome to join mine which is:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/committobefit/

Compulsive Overeating/Binge Eating Disorder

Obesity is not just a PHYSICAL problem.

It is no easier for me to "just put the fork down" than it is for someone with anorexia to "just eat something." 

There are mental problems attached to BOTH ends of the body weight spectrum.

I say this because as I've started dipping my feet into different online weight loss communities I keep hearing the same thing over and over and over.

Obesity is physical while anorexia is mental.  This comes up because a lot of anorexic people or idiots who are just pro-ana hang out in the weight loss communities.

For some reason they seem to think they have the market cornered on food-related mental problems.

Now, I will say that not every overweight person has a mental problem, just like I'm not going to say that every skinny person I see has anorexia.  There is no black and white here, there will always be shades of grey.

But, Compulsive Overeating is a RECOGNIZED eating disorder, and while I don't have the luxury of going to a doctor to be "diagnosed" with it, I've done enough research to think that I suffer from COE.

Here is a list of symptoms from an eating disorder website.  The ones I have made BOLD are the ones that apply to me.:

Compulsive Overeating/Binge Eating Disorder

1. Fear of not being able to control eating, and while eating, not being able to stop.
2. Isolation. Fear of eating around and with others.
3. Chronic dieting on a variety of popular diet plans.
4. Holding the belief that life will be better if they can lose weight.
5. Hiding food in strange places (closets, cabinets, suitcases, under the bed) to eat at a later time.
6. Vague or secretive eating patterns.
7. Self-defeating statements after food consumption.
8. Blames failure in social and professional community on weight.
9. Holding the belief that food is their only friend.
10. Frequently out of breath after relatively light activities.
11. Excessive sweating and shortness of breath.
12. High blood pressure and/or cholesterol.
13. Leg and joint pain.
14. Weight gain.
15. Decreased mobility due to weight gain.
16. Loss of sexual desire or promiscuous relations.
17. Mood swings. Depression. Fatigue.
18. Insomnia. Poor Sleeping Habits.

The Same Eating Disorders Website says:

Compulsive Overeating
People suffering with Compulsive Overeating have what is characterized as an "addiction" to food, using food and eating as a way to hide from their emotions, to fill a void they feel inside, and to cope with daily stresses and problems in their lives.

People suffering with this Eating Disorder tend to be overweight, are usually aware that their eating habits are abnormal, but find little comfort because of society's tendency to stereotype the "overweight" individual. Words like, "just go on a diet" are as emotionally devastating to a person suffering Compulsive Overeating as "just eat" can be to a person suffering Anorexia. A person suffering as a Compulsive Overeater is at health risk for a heart attack, high blood-pressure and cholesterol, kidney disease and/or failure, arthritis and bone deterioration, and stroke.

Men and Women who are Compulsive Overeaters will sometimes hide behind their physical appearance, using it as a blockade against society (common in survivors of sexual abuse). They feel guilty for not being "good enough," shame for being overweight, and generally have a very low self-esteem... they use food and eating to cope with these feelings, which only leads into the cycle of feeling them ten-fold and trying to find a way to cope again. With a low self esteem and often constant need for love and validation he/she will turn to obsessive episodes of binging and eating as a way to forget the pain and the desire for affection.

It is important to remember that most Eating Disorders, though their signs and symptoms may be different, share a great number of common causes and emotional aspects.

Save "Heavy" on A&E!!!

Until the season ended, I was spending every Monday night watching a show called Heavy on A&E

Heavy was about morbidly obese people who went to a weight loss clinic to get help losing massive amounts of weight without surgery or drugs.  They also learned the tools and skills they would need to continue to lose weight once they left the clinic and went back home.

This show motivated and inspired me in a a way that no show ever has before.

I got on facebook today to find out from a former cast member that the show Heavy, which I LOVED, is being cancelled.  I visited the page they linked to and read the following:

Recently Lifetime television and A&E merged.... with that merger the company decided to cancel the show after one season. Heavy helps Morbidly obese individuals find healing, dignity and health through the mass media of television.

We are asking for A&E to reconsider this decision and ask for your help by liking and supporting this page! Spread the word!!!

So, I'm spreading the word as far as I can!

You can help by simply liking the facebook page Save A&Es Heavy, or by sending a nice e-mail to Ms Abbe Raven CEO of A&E Network. 'Abbe.Raven@aetn.com'

I sent an e-mail that read:

I recently learned that the show HEAVY is being canceled, and I think that is a mistake.

I am a morbidly obese person, I hit 235 pounds and I'm only 5'3. I started watching Heavy on its first episode, and never missed one until the end of t...he season. If I did miss it on TV I watched it the very next day on the website.

Heavy was a huge encouragement to me. By showing me people exactly like me, who lose their weight for real and personal reasons, and do it by learning how to eat better and exercise, I was re-motivated every Monday night to get my act together.

I joked with my family that I should audition for the show, but in reality I know I couldn't, but just "being there" via the episodes helped me loads, and I started losing weight on my own! I have dropped almost 20 pounds, and Heavy is LARGELY to thank for lighting a fire under me and keeping it lit.

I think losing Heavy would be too huge of a loss. It just leaves us with shows like The Biggest Loser which is totally different because losing weight for a "game show" is not the same thing as losing weight for yourself and just letting the world tag along.

Thank you for taking time to read my message and I do hope the cancellation of Heavy can be reconsidered.

You can help by simply liking the facebook page Save A&Es Heavy, or by sending a nice e-mail to Ms Abbe Raven CEO of A&E Network. 'Abbe.Raven@aetn.com'

May 1, 2011 Progress Report

This is where I stand today.  Down about 7 pounds from last month.  My waist has shurnk about an inch and a half since last month.

Funny thing is , looking at last months pictures I think I look slimmer in last months photos!

I also hate that progress has been going so slowly, but short of giving up food altogether I have no idea what to do next....

LAST MONTH

Funny though, to myself